I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
