i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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