I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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