hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Randomize
