I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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