Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
