I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It's blow job season.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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