All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
