One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
