i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You dont lie about slip and slides
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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