The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So vagazzling was a success
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