I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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