I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Ladies don't puke and tell
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
