you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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