I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
