She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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