sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
