all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
