Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
