If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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