your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
