I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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