I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
