U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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