stop calling my apartment porn island.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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