Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
