I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
