did you get engaged???
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize