i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
