Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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