and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
