Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
