I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
