I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
