We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize