i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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