can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
