I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
