Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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