come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
