I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
