shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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