i think my mom watched the whole time
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
