My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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