She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
whose ass print is on the piano?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I need water and some morals
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
