It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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