i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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