does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
