i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
