I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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