Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
