He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
