***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
