Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
