There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
