I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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