1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
