The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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