Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
