remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
