New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
