just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
