I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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